Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
