I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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