Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
