Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
