im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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