You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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