I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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