my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
