he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
