I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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