You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
