I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
