Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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