dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
