so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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