I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
