mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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