can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
