dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
