omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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