Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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