You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
