call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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