Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
