"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Text me some of your sweat
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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