eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
