I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
