You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
