Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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