who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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