Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
