i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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