If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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