I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need water and some morals
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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