Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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