Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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