Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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