mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
