He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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