I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
