While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
