Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i wish my penis had a tongue
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
