How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
