would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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