you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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