He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
