when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
