i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
