There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
