You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
