A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
