I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My balls are so social today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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