just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
