i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
