he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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