I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
