my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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