Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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