omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
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I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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