yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
