The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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