Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
