Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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