my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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