Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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